Rupture and Repair

Starter Culture's Rupture and Repair process

This document lays what we will do in regard to rupture and repair. Our Relational Agreements set out the ways of relating we have agreed to do our best to align with at any given moment. These agreements therefore set out how we navigate rupture and repair.
By virtue of working with Starter Culture we agree to follow this process
as and when a rupture occurs. 

Foundational Steps

*As part of co-creating a healthy culture that supports our expansion of consciousness beyond power-over culture, we do our best to offer compassionate ‘regenerative feedback’, as and when we feel it is needed and in the spirit of ‘radical self responsibility’. 

*When an experience of rupture occurs between two or more people within Starter Culture, we commit to the following:

*We practise ‘radical self-responsibility’, tracking ourselves around our feelings and voices of our inner parts; including judgements, projections, wound stories, values and needs. 

* Before speaking with the other person about the rupture, we track ourselves around our feelings, inner parts, judgements, projections and needs. It can be helpful to track what our unmet needs are and whether we are trying to unconsciously get them met by the other person. If so, then we are invited to either tend to those needs ourselves, or as the adult of us, speak on behalf of the protective ones and ask for what we need or set a boundary. In the case of asking for a need to be met, it is important that we are able to hear a no, otherwise through demanding, we might enter the victim/perpetrator/rescuer cycle. And similarly, it is important that we are each willing and able to respect any boundaries that others may feel a need to hold in relation to us and to the extent that this allows for collaboration to flourish.

*Then we discern whether there is a need for a reparative conversation or council with the person whose behaviour has had an impact on part/s of us or not. Whilst acknowledging that most ruptures involve a dance between two or more people’s trauma being activated, discernment is called for in any particular situation, to sift (Sense, Feel, Imagine, Think) to what extent it is our own activation of trauma or a rupture in relationship that needs to be tended.

*If it seems support could be helpful for our inner process of discernment, then we will reach out to someone else, either within Starter Culture or outside of it, to be our Buddy. This needs to be someone who is not themselves activated by, or implicated in, the situation. It will be someone we can check in with, to support us and ask us good questions in service of everyone involved and Starter Culture at large (including understanding of our Relational Agreements). They are not there to gossip about the person with whom we are in conflict, or to collude with any ideas and judgements we may have about them. Indeed, it is in the interest of all concerned that our Buddy doesn’t engage with this and steers us lovingly away from it. 

* If we discern that we need to engage in a courageous and compassionate conversation with the other person, we seek consent from them and find the right time for both parties, whilst respecting the boundaries of the consent given and agreed upon by each (e.g. a person may have capacity to hear what it is about but not the detail of it, during an initial conversation).

*It may be that the person you wish to have a repairing conversation or council with needs to take time to regulate/ and or feel resourced enough to receive feedback in a regenerative way, and isn’t able to do this quickly. We do our best to honour this and remember that allowing space in the face of rupture is often very supportive in terms of allowing the nervous system to regulate and lessen the chances of us unconsciously engaging from somewhere within the drama triangle. And, at the same time, if the conversation or council has been requested of us, we make this happen as soon as we are able and regulated - checking for where we may be using a lack of resourcedness as a protective strategy to avoid the pain we associate with conflict. Time with a Buddy may be useful to support both self-awareness and sense of feeling resourced. 

*We do our best to speak using compassionate radical self responsibility, so that it is clear we are owning our experience, speaking for our various parts, and are able to separate out what our activation might be (a familiar pattern) from what is happening (in the present).  

*If someone is unable or refuses to enter into a reparative conversation or council, then it is important in the first instance, they find a Buddy to support them. The Buddy will then be the person who communicates with the other person or persons with whom they are in conflict, to see if there is an opening If there isn’t, it may be likely that the person unable/refusing will need external therapeutic or healing support as they may be too strongly activated to bring themselves in a helpful way.

*If, after receiving external therapeutic support, the person is still unwilling or unable to engage in a compassionate courageous conversation or council, then a mediator may be brought in. If the process with a mediator does not bring an opening with the people involved, then it is possible that a core team member (as someone who has objection rights within Starter Culture) brings a proposal of ‘exclusion’* to the rest of the team.
*We have a consent-based 'Exclusion Process' as an integral part of our Shared Governance system, which is in lieu of the over-culture's top-down process of people being ‘fired’.

Compassionate Courageous Conversations: Councils of Repair 

*As a starting point, we are in council so that we can each really hear each other.  

*If it feels supportive for both parties, the Buddies may be present as witnesses and for holding the container of the council and to help calm and slow down, if things seem to be getting activated or speeding up.

If it is agreed upon, council will be held within a framework of respect and sacredness with the following guidelines:

  • Speak from the heart, please do not respond to what the other has said, rather speak to your own experience, feelings, body wisdom and deep knowing
  • Listen with the ears of the heart and without judgement, climbing up the other’s mountain to see from their perspective
  • Go to the heart of the matter, be lean of expression
  • Be spontaneous, rather than rehearsing what you will say
  • What is spoken in council stays in council, practising our agreement around confidentiality 
  • No cross talking, the use of a talking piece can help to honour that the one holding it is the one who is speaking.

If council practice is not wished for, we offer the following guidelines:

  • Please speak in I statements and from your own experience
  • Please speak of your own feelings, rather than in “you statements” telling the other person what they did or didn’t do, whilst recognising that there will need to be some reference made to what behaviour of theirs’ impacted you.
  • Please risk being vulnerable and sharing your heart and what is hurting in you
  • The more intense things get, the slower we want to be, in order to hear our own inner voices, discern what needs to be spoken in the present and stay in our bodies.
  • If you find you are no longer able to hear the other person, take a breath and say back what you heard them say, asking them to clarify or help you if you missed something.
  • Ask for the other to say back what they heard you say, if you notice you feel unheard.
  • Thank you… Forgive me… I love you…  If and when it feels authentic, beginning three sentences with these three statements is a powerful practice of repair.

*We continue to listen to our body messages, as well as the judgments, projections and parts (or however you prefer to track and articulate yourself) that may be arising in the moment so that we are doing our best to separate out that which is presently activating us and that which is activated within us, which may not relate to the present situation or other(s) involved.

*If the initial council does not offer any shifts and there is still too much tension to make it possible for the people in conflict to work or be in a social setting together then a request for support from someone to mediate the process will be needed. This could be someone outside of Starter Culture. See the Mediation and Mediator section below for a fuller explanation of this.

To be clear, we are not looking for a complete resolution (though that can be wonderful!). It may be that the best outcome of these processes is to learn more about ourselves and each other, without needing to fix things, or for someone to change.  We can practise accepting that often we have differences of opinions and experiences.

Mediation

What does Starter Culture mean by Mediation and what might we desire a Mediator to do / not do, to support the repairing of rupture within relationship??

By ‘mediation’ we mean supporting those persons who identify as being in rupture to hear each other, empathise and take the steps that they currently can towards repairing what has been lost in their relationship.

A Reminder re Buddies: It is important that each person involved has checked in with their Buddy in the first instance and their buddy has supported them to come back to self responsibility, so that moving towards the other person/s is not from a place of projection or identification with the victim voice within us. Then, they move into a listening space together. If this is not serving those involved it is at that point we reach out for a mediator and it is part of the Buddy role to find a suitable Mediator.

Role of Mediator:
To hold space for those feeling activated in response to the identified rupture, so as to come into attunement with themselves and each other through offering silent witness, empathic mirroring and non-judgemental reflection. This can be a member of SC or someone from outside of the organisation. 

Things a Mediator might helpfully do:

  • Connect with each individual involved first and support them into a space of radical self-responsibility (and reminding them that this is one of SC’s Relational Agreements)
  • Bring the Starter Culture Relational Agreements into the space through referring to them.
  • Support an expanded experience of empathy in all present; internally with ourselves and with each other, for example, invite them to find ways to ask each other what it is like for them to be feeling what they are feeling
  • Mirror 'the conflict' as they witness it, as a non-judgemental, non-attached offering to those involved, as a way of contributing to emergent 'mutual understanding'.
  • Support each person to hear others' needs through what they are expressing.
  • Support each person to become aware of any judgements or projections they might be identified with and find ways to help them own these.
  • Track when conflict escalation appears to be occurring, creating a pause and slowing down to help each person to return to their own self-empathy and move from there into seeing and hearing the other. 
  • Track their own capacities alongside the form and energy of the rupture, catching if they feel out of their depth, so as to identify when this repair process might be better served through external (outside of Starter Culture) mediation.

What we would not want a Mediator to do, as it might risk non-transformation or escalation of the rupture.

  • Attempt to bring about a resolution to the rupture or fix a perceived problem.
  • Dictate how the Starter Culture Relational Agreements must be acted upon.
  • Take a personal position or make judgements on any aspect of the rupture or people involved.

How does Starter Culture identify an appropriate internal Mediator?

  1. A person self-identifies as:
    (i) being sufficiently non-activated by the particular rupture nor implicated within it
    (ii) holding all those identifying as ‘in rupture’ in love and compassion
    (iii) having capacity to offer the role and uphold the identified actions desired of a Mediator, whilst avoiding the undesirable actions named above.
  2. It is part of the Buddy role to identify this person as ‘good enough for now and safe enough to try’ in relation to offering Mediation for this particular rupture, as they currently understand it. 
  3. The person offering Mediation identifies a Buddy to support them with preparing and debriefing for the role. This is different from the Buddy supporting the person who is in rupture. 
  4. The person offering Mediation meets with each of the people who identify as being in rupture and outlines their particular offer (time, approach/model/skills); allowing them an opportunity to gather the information they need to determine if they can consent to the offer. If all consent then the arrangements can be made for the Mediation to go ahead.
  5. If consent is not achieved from all those involved then a different Mediator from within Starter Culture may be sought.
  6. If consent from all involved is not present for an internal Mediator, then an external Mediator may be requested (see below).

When and how would we know that an external Mediator is needed?

An External Mediator should be sought when one or more of the following conditions are met:

  1. As soon as it becomes clear whilst following the above guidelines, that an appropriate Internal Mediator cannot be identified within a timeframe that is acceptable to those activated by the conflict.
  2. At any point, when the extent and energy of the relationship rupture appears to any Starter Culture person, that it carries a risk that more people may become activated and involved. The intent here is to prioritise creating a ‘safe enough space’ for the organisation  as a whole, through bringing in an additional, external source of loving holding, to enable people to ground and find enough wholeness from which to assess the situation more widely. 

Seeking and Remunerating an External Mediator
The desire to seek an External Mediator is to be communicated to all people involved in Starter Culture, at the outset, due to the possibility of wider impacts, including cost. It remains imperative that all those directly involved in the relationship rupture must consent to whomever offers External Mediation.  

The process of finding a suitable mediator is tbc as we recognise the conditions will be unique for each rupture situation.

We offer deep thanks to Paul Davey and Rebecca Card from Homecoming Co-Housing group for bringing their wealth of skills and experience to curate the initial skeleton of this process.